In Section Nine of Studying in the School “Amorism getting rid of Senselessness; Intimates Deciding to love Each Other Forever” it was described how Meilan Zhang and I fell in love with each other in NJU (Nanjing University) and decided to live together forever. It also introduced briefly Zhang’s family and her personality.
In Section 40 of 15 years in Pengda, “Acquiring Professorship like Walking on Wire；Staggering Left and Right, Qualification Recognized” I wrote in the end: “Thanks should be expressed to my wife Meilan Zhang. Since 30 years ago, she supported me to read every day, doing most of the housework; she shared my joys and sorrows, my success being hers and encouraging me when I met setbacks. We helped each other when both of us were in humble circumstances; we showed respect and been loyal to each other; we had no secret in each heart and privacy had never existed between us. We had never been annoyed by the wife and husband relationship. The calm was of substantial benefit to my reading and writing.”
The previous section described a lot of suffering and sadness I had experienced in my life. To my luck, the relationship of us wife and husband is always in harmony, which provides me with a safe gulf, sheltering me from the outside wind and tide. This section specializes in how we reconcile the differences between us, have loyalty to each other, share wealth and woe and live together happily until we are aging.
Most of the differences between Meilan Zhang and me are those between woman and man. Some of them reflect our personalities.
Firstly, man is bold and woman careful, which is typical of us. This difference between man and woman can complement each other and becomes “bold and careful”. The courage of man can make sure that chances can be seized and the woman’s reminding can make the plan more meticulous. Not harmonizing with each other will lead to conflicts. For example, the man considers the woman to be timid and too careful who fears wolves ahead and tigers behind. If you follow her, you would fail in everything. Chatting with each other, macho men think that women’s hair is long and their knowledge short. Furthermore, the man is not willing to talk with his wife before deciding something big to do. If his wife is very strong and feels herself peripheral, becoming the ears of the deaf, she will get angry and even scold the husband, quarrelling breaking out. When a woman hears that her man will risk doing something, she will be worried about it. Even if the man explains it, she is still chattering. The macho man cannot control his fiery temper so as to outburst. We obey a principle of talking to each other as long as we will do a major thing. When we cannot predict the result of the future we both endure the consequence, success belonging to both of us, failure not leading to mutual complaint, which is called sharing wealth and woe. For example, after the retirement we have reserved some fund and have to make a decision to invest somewhere. The result is both successful and defeated. Success is not credited to one person and failure is not the reason to make a complaint against the other. We like to travel and I take the charge of the itinerary, plan, traffic, tickets and etc. Zhang plays a supporting role and reminds me of the safety. The larger the security coefficient is, the more satisfied Zhang feels. However, in my opinion, the large safe coefficient can cause the waste, and we bicker over it once in a while. Waiting the flight needs two hours ahead of the schedule time but Zhang acquires me to get to the terminal half a day ahead. Half an hour in the waiting-room before the train leaves is enough, but Zhang forces me to go to the railway station one or even two hours ahead.
Secondly, the way in which to do shopping between man and woman is quite different, with no exception between us. All the women in the whole world like to wander in the street or in the market. They are looking at this and that, not knowing what to buy. An American friend of mine in Xuzhou told me the story about several ladies, who were wandering in the city the whole day, buying nothing in the end, puzzling to all their husbands. Man does not go to the shop until he wants to buy something. He keeps in mind what he wants, goes to the shop to buy it and then returns. When falling in love with a girl, the young man might be patient to accompany her, wandering in the market. Once married, the man’s nature is exposed, not willing to accompany the wife in the street. The wife thinks that her husband has changed, not loving her as before. Some pairs quarrel about it. I told Zhang openly that as a man I don’t like wandering in the street and cannot endure the woman’s indecision in buying something. If it is decided to buy something, esp. those heavy, I will go with her. If she wants to feed her addiction, she goes shopping alone or invites her lady friend to accompany her. It’s worthless to get angry for such a thing.
Thirdly, when thinking of something difficult, man hides it deep in mind while woman can’t hide it and have to speak it out, even repeating it again and again. Furthermore, she will ask her husband to do something immediately to avoid the risk. The husband is of different opinion and thinks it is not so serious, therefore he does not obey the wife, resulting in the conflict. I am often bored with the unnecessary worries of Zhang and the wrangle breaks out once in a while. However, I often do my best to ease her worry, by going on errands. Nowadays, the communication is advanced, and I can operate online very quickly, which can make her mind relaxed and her rattling stop as soon as possible.
Fourthly, approaching appropriately the relation to parents and relatives of both sides is the most important factor to ensure the good relationship between wife and husband. After the marriage there are often contradictions occurring concerning about how to treat the parents, brothers and sisters of the opposite. What is the most important is the same attitude toward them, overcoming the idea of man predominating over woman. The same attitude does not appear in the form, rather than in the heart. There are differences between two families and we cannot use one standard to require both families and relatives. Meilan’s virtuousness displays in dealing with my parents and brothers and sisters. She respected her parents-in-law and the relation between her and my brothers and sisters is harmonized. She economizes every day, but is more generous to the friends and relatives than me. I have never experienced the feeling of the twin adhesive, which is admired by a lot of men. In Nantong, I put forward an expense standard and she always increased it, while in Pipa Mountain, her home village, she would decrease the expense standard brought forward by me. In a word, we’ve never got angry or quarreled because of the relation between us and the parents or relatives of both sides.
Fifthly, marrying means the collision between the difference of man and woman, which could cause trouble if it is not treated appropriately. We should be said to be combined by the south and north and there are a lot differences in the living style. When I came to Xuzhou, I did not get used to a lot of customs, involving diet, hygiene, clothes, furniture, way to cook, reception of guests and etc. Meilan Zhang gave in to me and did all things according to my habit. Later on I came to understand that the custom or habit is equal to each other, no difference between loftiness and humbleness. It’s unnecessary to be too serious. Respecting other people’s custom is a good and well-educated behavior. One cannot consider his or her own custom noble and resist different customs, even looking down upon the people whose custom is different. It is also a factor to conflict between husband and wife, raising the custom difference to an altitude of principle and lacking tolerance. As a result, frequent quarrels are occurring between them.
Sixthly, the conflict is unavoidable and the key is how to solve it. The common people in Nantong know the saying: the tongue and the teeth are so close friends but occasionally the teeth might bite the tongue. There are so many differences between the pair and both are living together every day, therefore it is common to have some spats. Wrangle between us occurs frequently, once in a while, causing bitter anger, and resulting in the uncomfortable feeling in our hearts. However, there has been no saying of “divorce”, both of us keeping off dirty words. The angry atmosphere lasted for at most two days and both of us felt unnatural. Meilan Zhang couldn’t keep calm and asked: “you are really angry?” which caused me to respond and the trouble was put behind us. Later on, I throw off my airs and adopt some humorous ways to ease the tense atmosphere.
Seventhly, both should contain defects of the opposite. Gold can't be pure and man can't be perfect; every man has his faults. Plus, there is not a foot between one’s strong points and weak points, like the distance between truth and falsehood. When both fell in love with each other, faults were covered with sweet words. After the marriage, the true bottom of both appeared. Respecting each other like guests should come from the heart, rather than still cover one’s faults and be careful to do anything before the other half. Meilan is too skilled at diligent and thrift management of households, which causes me to be bored. She wore a shirt bought decade ago and the reason was that it was not torn. Before going to bed, she turned off all the lights, and asked me also to turn off the computer and the modem. If I forgot, she would be angry at me. The automatic washing machine used quantity of water, which she thought of as a waste. So she turned automatic to semi-automatic in order to control the quantity of water used. All that mentioned above is her strongpoint? Yes, but it turned into her faults. Nowadays the economy has developed we can consume somewhat boldly now. The consumption promotes the production. We are not able to live a luxurious living but not too careful, one fen divided into two parts. Sometimes I have to give in to her, like the blind grazing the donkey, because she feels comfortable to live in such a way. If you change the way she likes, she would feel unhappy. I like to travel and determine to read ten thousand books and travel ten thousand miles so that I have a lot of things in my minds to ensure my target of writing ten million words. The expense of the travel is large, esp. to the far or to a foreign country. You can guess, my wife was unwilling to spend so much. I told her that we would spend the author’s remuneration rather than our salary and invite her to a journey. I predicted that I wanted to travel to somewhere and then made the down payment, making it decided and she did some material preparations, starting off upon the journey happily.
Eighthly, handle appropriately the relationship between being obedient and easy to deal with and persisting in one’s own view. The relation between wife and husband is not that of traditional yin and yang. It is still a patriarchal society, but man does not predominate over woman any longer, esp. like us, woman and man have received the same education. As a man, he should realize it first. Husband should not be afraid of others saying that he is a person strictly supervised by his wife. The man should let wife manage some of the household affairs and not everything is decided by man. Meilan Zhang is a lady who is obedient and easy to work with and is willing to act as an assistant. However, she does have her own view. Accordingly, if something is in her charge, I don’t interfere with it. To have his or her own view is a strongpoint, but you can have too much of a good thing. If one insists on his or her opinion and cannot accept any others’, he or she gets into the tip of the cattle horn and cannot turn around. He or she would be too hard to persuade. Such a person will look on a small thing as a big one and never give it up, who doesn’t know every road leads to Rome. If so, the relation between husband and wife cannot be a good one and the mighty one whether he or she will get too tired physically and mentally. Being obeyable and easy to persuade is also a strongpoint and he or she is easy to contact with. Both of wife and husband are relaxed. Being obeyable does not mean not using the head, instead it means addressing the major issue on principle and small things flexibly. Don’t be serious about everything and look upon a small thing as a principal one. Here one can also have too much of a good thing. If someone does always not have his or her own opinion, he or she becomes a dead dog, who no one, whether a man or a woman, would fall in love with. Whether wife or husband should not only have her or his own view, he or she should also get ready to accept the advice of the opposite.
Ninthly, to keep wife and husband always in good relation, the most important is loyal to each other. As for Meilan Zhang, it is of no problem, which I recognized since we began to love each other. The key is me. I am an academic and determined to reach my target my whole life. But it is nothing of saying that I am not interested in female at all. I like enjoy the beauty of female and sometimes make comments, but have no female bosom friend. It is impossible for me to do something hurting my wife. Because in the novel or in the real world, there are male heads who are drawn into water by women, Meilan Zhang guarded against me going the same route when I became the department dean. I fact, there was no such a shadow. She was too sensitive. Once she scolded me with the two sons present, making me lose face, and I got so angry that I kicked her on the bed. The two sons took pity on the weak and accused me together. It was the unique open quarrel between us. It was unnecessary for the two sons to interfere with us. I said to them, “The fellowship between your mother and me is deep and firm. Don’t worry about it.” What was hidden in my words is that both of you are not married and can your relation to your wife as good as mine? Because of loyalty to each other, both of us have no privacy and no private room, all being in the sun. We do not guard against each other and both have no money in private. We don’t know how to hide as private money.
Tenthly, the relation between wife and husband should be laid the most emphasis on, so that the family operation can be conducted smoothly. The family relations mainly include those of daughter-in-law and parents-in-law; son-in-law and parents-in-law; sons or daughters and their biological parents and you and the mate’s brothers and sisters. All the parents would wish that their sons or daughters have a happy family, even if they are not so obedient to the old. The tense relation in son’s or daughter’s family can become parents’ heartache, which is what the people say “ten fingers linking to the heart”. We treasure very much the relation between us, not afraid of being called “husband strictly supervised by his wife”, or “wife afraid of her husband”, or “a man who forgets his mother after marrying a girl” or “a girl who forgets her father after marrying a boy”. The age we lived in and our family’s condition did not allow my parents come to us to look after our kids. We let them live with their grandparents until they were old enough to go to school. We were sure to be accused of not loving kids or lack of parent-child relationship. Perhaps when our kids did not understand when they grew up. We believed that it was good for the kids to grow in the countryside. We could put all of our hearts into our career, decreased the interference and we loved each other as if we just fell in love with each other. The good and normal relation between us ensured our good cooperation in educating the kids. Strict fatherhood and kindly motherhood nourished the heart field of the kids, prompting them to grow healthily and emotionally. Our own parents would leave us and kids would fly away when their wings became strong. Only both of us remain together. The old pairs depend on each other, which can ease the descendants’ care, letting them do their own job better.
Besides the ten mentioned above, there should be ways to communicate with each other every day. There is no end to the family trouble and social pressure also comes in once in a while, trouble things occurring frequently. Accordingly, we establish a way to talk to each other almost every day, releasing the stuffiness in our hearts and reducing the pressure. We take a walk every day, breathing the fresh air, improving the physique, pouring the gloom out, and comforting the mood. By doing so, we leave all unhappy issues behind our heels, past worries not lingering in the mind and future ones not coming ahead of time. No worries can make you become a saint and forgetting worries can make you become a Buddha.
“Every family has its lection which is hard to read” and “upright officials feel it difficult to judge a family case”. The two sayings indicate the complexity of a family issue. The family of couple married for the first time is the family of simple relation with a lot of strong points. On the contrary, couple married for the second time has much more complex issues to address. Therefore, some who are divorced are feeling terrible and choose to become a single. As time goes on, both me and Meilan are more and more dependent on each other and one cannot leave the other. Two persons, one heart, which is sharp enough to carve gold, and no matter how hard it is, the lection becomes easy to read. If the wife-husband relationship cannot be harmonized, nothing of forgiveness, anger plus competition in strength, or one party giving in, but the other not forgiving, the marriage would go wrong and finally break up. In many novels or teleplays, wife and husband quarrel bitterly, which I thought was necessary to develop a conflict, without which, there is no drama. In fact, it also reflects a real world, where a lot of wives and husbands quarrel quite often. It is quite difficult to deal with the relationship between the pair. I have been feeling that I am lucky to have such a harmonious relationship with my wife.
Nov. 11 of 2011 in Chicago
Proofreading on April 18 of 2012 in Chicago
Second proofreading on Dec 31 2018 in Fenghuayuan, Xuzhou
Uploading on Aug. 8 of 2023 in Xuzhou
