It was 20 years from the time when I left NJU and reported in the Tongshan County in June of 1970 to the time when I left the ZMS for Pengda in July of 1990. Recalling the 20 years I had all sorts of feelings well up in my mind. Just as what Master Confucius said, I was over 40, understood many things and was no longer confused. The subject of this section is what kind of attitude toward the official position I held.
Almost all intellectuals in ancient dynasties looked on their different official positions as the extent of their successes. He who excels in learning can be an official. The relatives and friends of mine were most common citizens and were anxious that, as a college student, I could be promoted to an official and help them to have an advantageous position. When they were talking about somebody who had been promoted to an official, they were dwelling upon with great relish, with envies on the face. My nephews and nieces were growing up one after another. How wonderful it was if I, as their uncle, could help them in attending school or finding a job. However, I was disappointing to them. I had no official position and no power as well so I could not provide any help although I was willing to. Having gone through the test of the Cultural revolution and now working in the less developed area, the countryside of the north part of Jiangsu Province, I had no interest in politics and was determined to become an able teacher so I had dived into the knowledge sea without any bound in order to decrease the pain caused by the drop between my early wish and the reality.
Although I lost interest in the official position, I was filled with deep affection for the teaching and education. The head of the school was
pleased with my enthusiasm and responsibility and often entrusted me with some tasks. In “Eight Years in Mapo” I had written that I was
selected as a model teacher in the Tongshan County and Xuzhou District as well. But some people believed that like anyone else I was
also obsessed by lust for officials, especially those who were of my age and official fans. They sharpened their heads and tried hard to
obtain a title of an official. They saw me a threat to them and were burning with jealousy, targeting me in the darkness. I was a bookworm
and didn’t care about what was said about me. I knew “One shouldn’t have the heart to harm others”, but did not know “One must be
vigilant so as not to be harmed as well”. Finally, I realized that someone was playing tricks. “A clear conscience is a soft pillow.” I turned a
deaf ear to it and follow my own course, and let them talk. Just as what Zongyuan Liu said, the great man of letters of Tang Dynasty, “
I didn’t take any precautions at all and continued my career although accusation would take place by slandering.” In order to encourage
my enthusiasm, the headmaster Chuanwu Yang once talked with me, saying that most of the teachers in the school affirmed the
achievements I’ve won. Even XXX who objected to me could not say anything wrong of me in detail and only said that he (referring to me)
was better than us, but not so much. When I heard of this, I felt this showed his jealousy obviously. XXX was a forthright person, said
what was in his mind and was not too snorty. There was another enigmatic one and you were not able to know what kind of dirty water
was in his mind. I had my own interest and pursuit what, I believed, was much loftier than a smaller-than-sesame official. XXX and the
enigmatic one were real official fans and became completely obsessed with it. In order to satisfy his official addict and peacockery Yang
announced he was in charge of the office of maths, physics and chemistry. (There were only two offices and the other one was that of
Chinese and English) XXX enjoyed himself to the full. In the public occasion, for example an outdoor meeting, he went to the front and
touched on the megaphone, showing that he was not an ordinary teacher. The enigmatic one had a much stronger addiction to the official
position, which would be narrated later in this section.
Jealousy has been around since the beginning of time. It starts the moment an individual is born. I believe that the change from
“admiration” to “jealousy” is that from quantitative to qualitative. “Admiration” is a friendly emotion, which indicates that the admirer
has his or her example to follow. As a child I had a lot of people to admire, which gave me power to pursue my targets. But if the
admiration develops to “pinkeye”, i.e. “jealousy”, it is a kind of destructive emotion. The envier knows that s/he is not as good as
the opposite and suffer from the pain, so s/he will harm the opposite to remove his or her own pain which is what is called “envy
others’ ability, derive pleasure from others’ misfortune”. When I came to Pengda I learned that two teachers were searching into
the subject of “jealousy”, who had issued some articles and each written a book. They attacked each other, saying the opposite
had copied some from his book, so that they were interrogated in court, which attracted my attention. The two teachers collected
large quantities of materials, quoted extensively, and told a lot of examples of extreme jealousy. Christians hold the view that all
human beings came into existence with sins. Seven deadly sins include envy. Jealousy can destruct one’s fame, separate the
church and even cause the motivation of killing others. It can narrow our circle of friends, destroy our cause and prevent the
maturity of our soul. Always remember: “Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”
Piety Christians pray every day and get help from the God to kill the envy bud in the soul. We are not Christians, but should also
guard against the jealousy attack. My prescription is doing my own thing and going my own way. The coming days would be long
and every one can display one’s own diligence and talent. Jealousy is widespread so when we achieve something by hard work
we must be careful not to become its victim. It is not strange that what a Chinese ancient scholar said has the same meaning as
what an English proverb says, “Misfortune might be a blessing in disguises.” My strategy against enviers is to look down upon them,
set forth more energy and try to manage what I am doing better and better so that they have to live under my eaves and suffer the
bitter taste of recognizing the defeat.
It was not long before some of the intellectuals were promoted and put onto important positions after we began to work in the ZMS.
Some teachers gave up being aloof from politics and material pursuits, made use of direct or indirect relations and got in by the back
door in order to gain an official position. I continued my dream of learning just as before and remained indifferent to any position. The
head of the school first let me take charge of the English teaching and research group, which I preferred to, because it was closely
related to the teaching and I could attend some teaching and research conference in the district or city, getting to know some English
teachers from other schools. But in the autumn of 1984, I was baffled to be promoted to a middle level carder, becoming a deputy
director of the dean’s office in charge of political education. My god! My mind was empty because nobody had told me something
about it ahead of time. I didn’t like the position at all. In fact, I had to manage all the teachers in charge of classes and deal with a lot
of matters which were hard to address. In addition, my office was in charge of the sanitary work of the whole school. The director was
soon transferred and I became No 1 head, provided with a deputy director, two security personnel and an office worker. A group of
cleaners were also under our management. Quarrels or fights between students were mediated by the two security carder and the
hard problem was handed to me. I met with the relative parents and decided to take disciplinary action against some students
according to the regulations. What was most troublesome was the sanitary work of the students’ dormitories, which were poorly
equipped. The students not only sleep but also have meals there and they had no good hygiene habit. Leftovers were thrown
everywhere, dirty water was flowing and in the night some students urinated in front of their rooms, which stunk to high heaven.
The Cleaners did the cleaning once a day and the office worker had a look at them. When he came back, he got angry and complained
to me that he had done away with droppings with the cleaners. In normal times, all pretended to be blind, but when leaders from the
higher level came to have an inspection, cleaning tasks were arranged by all levels of the school. I must gather all the cleaners and
put forward the task and the standard. After that I had to go to the dormitories to have a check, which often made me very angry and
forced me to clean myself with a big broom. In 1984, three teachers were promoted. The other two were natives, had various relations
and directly held the position of deputy principal of the school. Some people thought that I was superior than both of them. When I was
the head of the English teaching and research, the English average score of the entry examination was much higher than that of the
HMS. Furthermore, I was a Party member. I lacked the relation and was promoted only to a middle-level, the function of which could
be the head’s merit, appointing people according to their ability not to his favoritism. The head did not know me well enough to assign
me a suitable job and he used my weak points instead. In 1987, a new principal came to the ZMS and talked with me for a long time.
He expressed his will clearly that he would ask me to take the charge of the dean’s office. In my eyes, the dean was busy with the
teaching management affairs every day, which could not attract me either. It took him an hour, but I refused him with gentle words.
In 1988, the leading group was again reorganized and I resigned orally. The new principal did not know what to say before the teachers
and moved me to the teaching and research office and held the post of the deputy director. Meilan Zhang said to me ironically, “Other
people climb the official position higher and higher, your position became lower and lower.” I had my own target and had no interest in
the position of the official smaller than a sesame.
What I had written above was what I really thought in my mind. Generally, people hold the view that an official even not high is stronger
than a common citizen. However, few people show their will to become an official publically. Most of them do seem the same as me.
But who has said what he or she really think. Still mention the enigmatic one who was always not able to realize his dream of becoming
even a small official because he had a bad reputation and could not pass through the investigation among the teachers. When I left the
ZMS, I was told that he made use of his powerful relative to gain a middle-level deputy position 90 li far away from his home. One year
later he came back to the ZMS to hold the dean position of the teaching affairs, which was refused by me. What other teachers exclaimed
was not his talent but his thick face. It was not strange that such an official fan did not feel comfortable, facing my achievements. He did
not show what was hidden in his mind, so I called him the enigmatic one. When I took some charges in Pengda, XXX and the enigmatic
one came to me one after another to ask me for help. I gave them a warm reception and showed my kindly tolerance.
20 Years in Tongshan had passed and I was 45 years old now. Some of the contemporaries in the city had been promoted to positions
equal to the head or vice head of the county level. I still ignored the official position. I wanted still to be a common citizen, nothing to
do with flattery, and continued to be in pursuit of my target. Just as what Mr. Banqiao Zheng, an artist and a poet in the Qing Dynasty,
had written in a poem on a paint of bamboo, “Rooted in the green mountain, the bamboo has a solid foundation. Although
experiencing physical or mental suffering, it remains persistent and dauntless.”
Feb. 9, 2010 in Xuzhou
Proofreading, Feb. 22 of 2012 in Chicago
Uploading, Aug. 5 of 2023 in Xuzhou
